We're Not MarySues, Honestly!
by Lola Pavlovna
Summary: Hogwarts is being overrun by Mary-Sues! It was funny when the first 17 showed up, saying they were Harry's long-lost cousins. It was slightly annoying when the next 38 appeared, all claiming to be Voldemort's daughters. But now things are getting out of h
1. The MarySues Are Still Here

We're Not Mary-Sues, Honestly!  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter & Co. [insert witty disclaimer joke here]  
  
Summary: Oh no! Hogwarts is being overrun by Mary-Sues! It was a bit odd when the first 17 turned up, claiming to be Harry's long-lost cousins. It was slightly amusing when the next 38 turned out to be Voldemort's daughter. But even Dumbledore began to be a bit frazzled when 29 more appeared, all claiming to be his granddaughter. So what did he do? He set out to prove that not all American transfer students were evil, and maybe get rid of those horrible Mary-Sues in the process. And that, of course, involved calling in reinforcements--me, Mish, and Charnette.  
  
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Harry Potter pulled his trunk onto the scarlet Hogwarts Express, wondering what his seventh year held in store for him.  
  
"I hope there won't be any more of those. . . things. . . this year," he remarked to his best friend, Ron Weasley.  
  
"I know. They were so annoying, even if some of them were pretty hot..." Ron said, running a hand through his neon-orange hair absentmindedly.  
  
Hermione looked at them like they were crazy as they sat down in an empty compartment. She said, "I personally think the worst thing about them was--"  
  
"That they were all five times smarter than any normal human being, yes, we know," Luna Lovegood cut her off, stepping into the compartment and flopping down exhaustedly next to Harry. "And by the way, there ARE more of them this year. I just passed a bunch of them-- they're even worse than the last ones. There's a bunch of Snape's daughters, Remus's daughters, and quite a lot who say they're--"  
  
"Oh no," interjected Ron, coming to a sudden realization. "Don't tell me. It's . . ." he trailed off, unable to voice his horror.  
  
"Sirius must have been quite the womanizer," said Harry, pissed off as hell and yet struggling not to laugh at the idea of his godfather surrounded by pretty girls.  
  
"WHAT?" said Ginny, sticking her head into the compartment. "Sirius did WHAT???"  
  
"Nothing much," said Hermione airily. "Just something that caused him to have-- how many daughters did you say there were, Luna?"  
  
"Fifteen, unfortunately." Luna sighed, giving Ginny a please-don't-shoot-the-messenger look.  
  
"Oh dear God. Not more of them," muttered Ginny, sitting down on Harry, even thoguh there were plenty of seats in the compartment. "I thought they'd all disappear or something this year."  
  
"Well, they haven't, and I for one am not going to sit around and let them drive us insane," said Hermione crossly.  
  
"I second that," said Luna. "Hey, Harry, did Remus tell you about any of the pranks the Marauders pulled? Because we need to think of something, the faster the better."  
  
"Oh, we don't need to worry about that," said Harry, spitting out a mouthful of Ginny's hair. "I still have Fred and George's birthday gift. All we need to do is make sure McGonagall's not around when we put the--"  
  
He was interrupted by the compartment door opening. Expecting it to be Malfoy, he pulled out his wand, but it wasn't him. It was three girls who looked about fourteen years old. The tallest one had dark skin, glasses, and very short hair, and was holding a trembling black-and-white cat. [A/N-- sorry, Charnette, but I made Toby a bit of a coward... ] Another of the girls had black hair and glasses and acne, and her eyes widened when she saw Harry. The third girl had brown hair streaked with blond and a tiny hamster sitting on her shoulder, and it was she who spoke up.  
  
"Hey, can we sit here?" she said in an American accent, looking as though she already knew the answer. "Nobody else will let us into their compartment."  
  
The short girl seemed to think this was the wrong thing to say, and judging from Harry's and Ron's expressions, she was quite right. She looked at them, irritated, and suddenly burst out:  
  
"Oh, come on, do we look like Mary-Sues to you? I mean, since when do those freaky things wear glasses?"  
  
"And we're not related to Harry, Voldemort, Dumbledore, Snape, Lupin, or Sirius, either." added the tallest girl, answering Ron's unspoken question. "Besides, Gutenburg there"-- she gestured towards the hamster-- "has tried to escape twice already, and if we don't get into a compartment soon, he'll climb out the window or something."  
  
"Well... alright." said Harry. "But only if you help us get rid of those... things." 


	2. Chapter 2: In Which Malfoy Gets A Facefu...

We're Not Mary-Sues, Honestly!  
  
Chapter 2: In Which Malfoy Gets A Faceful Of Claws  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter & Co. [insert witty disclaimer joke here]  
  
Sorry it took me so long to do the second chapter. I was a bit preoccupied with stuff... but here it is, finally! Thank you to Silver Meteor, Morphmaniac, and JadedRoses for reviewing, and to Michelle, for giving me a very good idea or two. And now, on with the story!  
  
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"Well... alright." said Harry. "But only if you help us get rid of those... things."  
  
"Agreed," said the black-haired girl, and sat down, pushing her trunk under her seat. The hamster promptly jumped off her owner's shoulder and made for the window. The other two girls rolled their eyes, and shut the window. The brown-haired girl grabbed the hamster and put it into her pocket. Ron was a bit bewildered.  
  
"Hey, um..." he said.  
  
"Her name's Michelle," supplied the tallest girl.  
  
"Yeah, um, Michelle?" asked Ron, still a bit confused. "Why does your hamster keep trying to jump out the window?"  
  
"That's like asking, why is the Hogwarts Express painted red? Nobody knows. Gutenburg's just a weird little hamster." said the girl with black hair, shrugging.  
  
At this, the other two girls laughed. "Oh, come on, Olga," said Michelle. "Who are YOU to talk about weirdness?"  
  
"Oh, so now I'M the weird one? I wasn't the one who put a dried fish in Oleg's pocket back in seventh--" Olga's reply was cut short by an angry yell from Harry. Apparently the tall girl's cat had leaped from her arms onto Harry's head. Everybody dissolved into laughter.  
  
"Now you see why I used to hate Crookshanks so much, Harry." said Ron, grinning at the expression on Harry's face. "How do YOU like having a cat for a hat?"  
  
"Yeah, Harry," said Hermione, still giggling. "Don't look so upset-- it's all the rage now! Everybody's getting cats to wear on their heads these days."  
  
"Come on, Toby, get off his head," Olga said to the cat. "We wouldn't want you to get turned into a badger or something." Toby simply hissed. Harry gave another yell.  
  
"That damned beast just stuck his claws into my head! Get it OFF!"  
  
"Charnette! Come help me! It's your cat!" said Olga beseechingly to the tall girl.  
  
"All right," she said, getting up and pulling a long, thin wand out of her sleeve. "Normally he does what people tell him, but this requires action." Charnette slowly advanced on Harry with her wand out, her eyes fixed on the hissing cat.  
  
The next two events happened so quickly that nobody realized what was going on until a few seconds later.  
  
First, the compartment door opened, and Malfoy stuck his head inside, probably to make his usual snide remark.  
  
At the same moment, Toby saw Charnette coming with her wand out, and he attempted to leap out the door.  
  
Of course, he landed claws-first on Malfoy's face.  
  
When all the panic had subsided and Malfoy had gone screaming down the train about insane beasts, Luna remarked, "Well, Toby, congratulations. We've never been able to get Malfoy to leave that quickly." Toby only purred and went back to his new favorite perch-- Harry's head.  
  
Harry groaned. It was going to be a loooong year. 


End file.
